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TW: suicidal ideation, depression “My name’s Melodie. I’m a first-year studying social and political sciences and I reached out to UTSOC because I wanted to share my mental health story! But more specifically, I wanted to share my experiences of Borderline Personality Disorder, and to create an awareness around it. There’s a stigma around the illness because people don’t know what it means – it sounds scary and can often be off-putting to hear about. For context, I’m formally diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Diagnoses don’t necessarily help everyone, but I really benefited from one. It made it easier to understand what I was going through and helped me to reach out to others like me. And to be clear, I still very much do have BPD. I live with it every day, and it continues to impact me all the time – I’m going to be stuck with it for a long time. BPD is a mental illness. More specifically, it’s a “cluster B” personality disorder that sees my moods and emotions become wildly unstable, dramatic, and overwhelming. It’s a shifting sense of self, with rapidly changing moods, such as impulsive, irrational and self-destructive behaviour; and in the past, intense anger. But BPD centres around relationships, as it’s a fear of abandonment facilitating anxious behaviours which results in me making frantic efforts to “save” relationships. This, of course, has the completely opposite effect, as it drives those friends away, thereby fulfilling this projected “fear” of abandonment. It has really impacted the relationships of the past few years of my life. There’s been friends, a partner, and even the closest of friends, who I have driven away – all a result of this mess of BPD emotional instability and wild, irrational suspicion. That’s really screwed me over. Even though I am currently still struggling with this in relation to my new Uni friends and ongoing relationships, it used to be way worse. Cont.
TW: anxiety, panic attacks “I’ve been thinking for a while about whether to post or not, and what I would even say if I did. But the more I thought about it, the more I realised that all of our experiences are so different but sharing and talking about it is something that can benefit everyone. So here we go. I’ve always been an anxious person. I think it started when I was really little, being a worrier coupled with wanting to do my best. That always grew the older I got, particularly being stressed about school and the future. I didn’t even think much of it, just passing it off as being emotional or general life pressure. Taking the first steps into adult life I’ve kind of realised it shouldn’t be like this. You shouldn’t have to be sitting in a classroom with shaking hands and a beating heart, on the verge of tears, feeling like you can’t breathe, you might throw up, or any number of other colourful side effects. I also very regularly have trouble sleeping, a bunch of nervous habits, aching muscles from holding lots of tension in my body, and many cry sessions. You shouldn’t have to feel like this, but sometimes you might. And I think that’s the main lesson I’ve learned from all of my experiences so far. It takes a lot to realise that you don’t have to feel like this, to think about it, to talk about it and try to grow from it. Easier said than done, and of course everyone experiences things differently. But for me I feel like I’m becoming more aware and mindful of my feelings day by day. It’s certainly not always easy, but it’s so important to remind yourself that you are loved and you can do this!” #smashthestigma @batyruts 📸 : Aaron Liu @aaronliiuu P.S. If you’re interested in sharing your story to #smashthestigma, just email socialjustice@utsoc.com.au - if you’re uncomfortable with sharing your identity, it can be anonymous too.
TW: anxiety “I was diagnosed with a generalised anxiety disorder in early 2018, after seeing a few different therapists and counsellors. I didn't really tell anyone, then, and I am still hesitant to do so for fear that people will think I'm bragging somehow. Or, even worse, they'll think I'm lying, or copying. I have been an excessively nervous, cautious person for pretty much my entire life, and when I was a child I never really understood why I felt the way I did. I was incredibly sensitive (and still am); I experienced a lot of anxiety around friendships, self image and the health of family members. I was adamant about following rules and had a deathly fear of 'getting in trouble,' among a host of other things. Despite all this I presented quite a confident front - I loved theatre and acting, and was always the first to put my hand up to audition for class plays and perform in front of people. But as I grew older, I only retreated further into my shell, convincing myself through high school that I was unloveable, less intelligent, and had less worth than my friends, whose grades climbed while mine declined. A few months into my final year of high school, I had my first experience seeking professional help when I broke down to my mum because I'd been struggling heavily with intrusive thoughts (having no idea what that was at the time, and that I wasn't the only person who had them). Since then, I've experienced ups and downs with my mental health, and I hit a real low earlier this year when going on the pill made my anxiety the worst it had ever been. I could barely get out of bed to shower, get dressed, or go to uni. Even thinking about doing even a little bit of uni work made me cry. There was a constant anxious nausea in the pit of my stomach that didn't go away, and it made doing even simple tasks seem so hard. I was totally convinced that everyone in my life hated me and wanted me gone. Thankfully, going off the pill helped ease that particular bout of anxiety quite a lot. As women, the lack of education we are given about our contraception choices (and sexual/reproductive health in general) and what they will do to our bodies...
"Do you want to talk about it?" Of course I do. But how do I talk about it when I don't even know what I'm talking about? Let me catch my breath; I can’t remember how I got here. “You say I turned out fine. I think I’m still turning out.” - AJR Since I can remember I have been an awkward and shy soul. From mid-high school, I brushed off seemingly new traits that have now snowballed; hesitation/fear in approaching people and keeping a conversation, easily distracted, disliking eye contact, fidgeting, disappearing into my own world. "Nah, I’ll just get through it like always," I would tell myself as I waded through. Even now, I'm still who I've always been; inside my head a lot as the world passes me by. Heavily relating to the song '6/10' by dodie is my mind in a nutshell; never being enough, masking everything, making new friends but always floating around groups, always aware of the fact that everyone is more interesting than me and is closer friends with each other ("I know that you don’t want me here"). Don’t even get me started on replaying scenarios in my head before speaking, carrying the judgement from others or the idea of getting picked at random to talk (that’s a whole other story of holding my breath). How do I always end up being the odd one out on an even table? Even very recently (still a bit now, honestly) I got to a point where I truly believed that I didn’t deserve any of the roles I was in because everyone else was more worthy and skilled. That I didn't deserve any of the people who I have had the honour of calling my friends. I couldn't legitimise it as more than just being shy/sad because it could be worse. I always think that I might actually be okay, and then I come in and prove myself wrong every single time. My way of escaping this also became my way of understanding. Cont.
TW: depression “I developed depression all of a sudden out of the blue. I hid it well (or I liked to think so) from friends. At home I was a lot sadder. I found myself not looking forward to anything in the week. I didn’t enjoy socialising because I had to fake happiness; no-one wants to hang out with a downer. I struggled to concentrate and complete uni assignments, which had never been a problem for me before. All the things I used to enjoy now seemed like an effort. There was no reason for me to get up in the morning. I’d had friends with depression and describe this feeling to me but imagining it wasn’t the same as experiencing it. I got help but it didn’t help, if you know what I mean. It just made me feel worse. The future seemed bleak. I stopped hanging out with friends, I didn't turn up to class. I stopped exercising, stopped eating healthy and I went ages without washing my hair. I couldn’t see the point anymore. I didn’t leave the house for a week. Things were a bit touch and go there for a while. I felt like I was on a cliff edge. Literally. But now, a few months later, I’m feeling a bit better. Medication, psychology (though I’m still not convinced how helpful it is) and reconnecting with my family. I’m in a better place now. I came clean to friends and family about my mental illness. A lot of people acted like the meds were a “magic pill”. My parents kept asking if it had “kicked in.” Friends asked me if I was “fixed up now” as if I was a broken machine that needed an oil change. If only dealing with depression was that easy. Slowly but surely, I’ll get there." #smashthestigma @batyruts P.S. If you’re interested in sharing your story to #smashthestigma, just email socialjustice@utsoc.com.au - if you’re uncomfortable with sharing your identity, it can be anonymous too.
TW: anxiety, depression, self-harm, suicide “One of the most common things you hear when you tell people you’re thinking of killing yourself is something along the lines of ‘Think of your friends and family! They’ll miss you! You can’t do this to them! Think of them!’ And so in year 11, with this in mind, I started to plan my suicide. A year and a half in advance. During my final year in high school, I began to spread around that I had no plans to keep in contact with anyone after graduation; that I was going to have a fresh start. I spoke often of my dislike of the school and my desire to leave it all behind me in university. I started isolating myself from my friends and eventually stopped sitting with them altogether. I didn’t try that hard in class; I wasn’t going to be alive long enough to get into uni, so what was the point. I even moved away from using my Facebook account and stopped replying to messages, using a small secondary one if I ever had to. The plan was to kill myself the summer of ’16, during that limbo stage between high school and university. That way (I rationalised), when I fell off the grid, people I knew from high school would just assume I had stuck to my word and had moved on. Towards the end of year 12, I realised just how very real my plan was becoming and I was scared. I didn’t want to die necessarily, but my desire to just not exist was a whole lot stronger. By this point I had been suffering from persistent depressive disorder and anxiety since I was 12. I had already attempted to kill myself previously and had been using self harm as a coping method for about 5 years. I was not in a good place. I finally reached out to a friend and told him everything – essentially sabotaging my plan of ensuring no one would find out I was dead. It was enough to keep me alive throughout the summer. Starting uni helped a lot. But I’m definitely not better. After so many years of self harm, I think I’ve become addicted to the endorphins released after the pain. I crave that release constantly. This year has been my best year yet since I was 12. (Cont.)
TW: eating disorder, anxiety “I’ve struggled with my body nearly my whole life. At 10 I was diagnosed with an eating disorder. I don’t exactly know what sparked it but I think that it was the time when I really started noticing how other girls looked and then looked at myself in the mirror and hated what I saw. During high school I suffered from anxiety from schoolwork and experienced an abusive relationship which impacted greatly on my mental health and made me relapse back into old and extremely unhealthy eating habits. Since starting uni and making new friends and living new experiences, I’ve realised that before I can love the people around me, I first need to love myself. We only have one skin that fits us perfectly our whole life. Yes some days it’s hard but as long as you surround yourself with love, laughter and happiness there’s a rainbow on the other side. I hope that in sharing my story, it will encourage others to share theirs too and know they are not alone.” #smashthestigma @batyruts 📸: Aaron Liu @aaronliiuu P.S. If you’re interested in sharing your story to #smashthestigma, just email socialjustice@utsoc.com.au - if you’re uncomfortable with sharing your identity, it can be anonymous too.
TW: depression, anxiety, slight paranoia I’m not sure exactly when but I know that I first started struggling with mental health during primary school, around the time I moved to Australia. At first it had to do with how hard it was to move to a new country, trying to meet new people and make friends without really learning how to speak English. I feel like a lot of my depression mainly has to do with bullying and racism that I was exposed to around that time. I remember being called many racial slurs and having experienced it from both students and teachers and even outside school grounds. What made it worse was when the bullying got physical and came to a point where I was constantly crying to my parents and my younger brother almost everyday. My brother ended up standing up for me and actually did something about it, which I’ve always been grateful for, but for a while I felt like I’d failed at defending myself and setting a good example for my siblings when I should’ve stood up myself and done something. For a while, I felt like I’d disappointed my family for not being strong enough to take a stand and allowing the bullying to continue. Eventually it got worse, to a point where I was constantly crying and feeling down till my parents decided it was best to move. The school I moved to after was a lot better and had greater memories than I could’ve wished for. The worst moments were definitely during high school. There were many times I made wrong decisions, made friends with the wrong people and made constant bad mistakes that led me down wrong paths till it eventually affected me too much that I became overwhelmed with too many emotions and could barely cope. Around that time I developed self esteem issues and became so paranoid and stressed out about things I shouldn’t have worried so much about at the time, like weight and appearance. I remember being so critical of myself and hating every inch of myself until I could barely look in the mirror. I remember having to deal with moments where I opened up to people and later regretted it after realising I put too much trust in people. (Cont.)
TW: grief, death of a family member “Around this time last year, I went through the toughest period of my life in terms of my mental health. First, my mum was diagnosed with bowel cancer for the third time. Then a few weeks passed, then my brother’s health saw a downturn too. The next few months were filled with bad news and regular visits to the hospital. This immense family stress, combined with uni work, left me feeling powerless and alone. I didn’t share my struggles at home with many other people because I felt like it was unfair of me to unload such a heavy burden on anyone I knew. The effect this had on my mental health was devastating. It was baggage I didn’t want to share, and it made me isolate myself from those I love the most. My brother passed in around November and never really dealing with the death of a loved one in my adult life before, I just became numb. I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel. Then around 2 weeks later after the funeral, my mum’s condition became worse and she was admitted to the hospital full time. When my mum passed a few days later, it crushed me to levels I did not think possible. No matter how much my mum and I disagreed, her presence made me feel whole. Not having her around dealt a major blow to my mental health. I became even more distant from friends, being around family wasn’t enough to make me feel better and I took any possible shift at work to take my mind off the pain. No matter how bad things become mentally for me, I never let anyone in because of how weak it made me feel. It is the biggest regret of my life. But I remember one day I told a friend about my family situation while lying down on the alumni green and I don’t think I’ve felt more relieved and supported before. The burden it took off me and realizing the support networks I had because of this one moment was amazing. While I am still on the road of overcoming my grief and trying to become more open about my experiences, I wanted to share my story so those reading don’t feel afraid of approaching those they hold closest about their mental health.” #smashthestigma @batyruts 📸: Aaron Liu @aaronliiuu P.S. If you’re interested in sharing

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