Better Than Adderal

In a bid to provide Australian university graduates with a unique competitive edge, the federal government recently announced plans to implement a new program providing students with cybernetic memory enhancements. The process, trialled across Germany, was found to assist subjects in achieving 65-85% increased memory functionality. Individuals found that they remembered material from even the dullest and most unengaging of test lectures.

In light of the program’s overseas success, the Australian Department of Industry and Science has urged its implementation in all of the major Australian universities. The University of Technology, Sydney has been recommended as the first university to adopt the changes.

Some students expressed concern regarding the intrusive appearance of the machinery behind the memory enhancements. One student in particular, Jacob Snoll, said ‘I find the devices to be intrusive and weighty, not to mention their being general eyesores. Definitely not worth the billions of tax dollars pouring into this scheme. To be frank, I’m not keen on adding these f**king monstrosities to my face.’
 

However, test subjects from Germany have expressed little to no dissatisfaction with the machinery or process. One participant from the original study described the impact of the cybernetic enhancements as ‘life-changing. Prior to the operation, I had a merely functional memory, but I had no idea about the untapped abilities of my mind. I can now list the entire cast (dead and alive) and their biographies, from Game of Thrones through all five seasons by order of appearance.’ When asked about the impact he anticipated the technology could have for students, he stated, ‘I feel that this process will undoubtedly enhance the abilities of Australian university graduates. Though I have struggled to wear ear muffs since the operation, I find this a small sacrifice for my new skills.’ 

 

University staff are hopeful that students will become more engaged with their lectures and reading materials following the introduction of this program. The cybernetic memory enhancement program is expected to be incrementally introduced from the middle of 2015. UTS students have been advised to phone the Cybernetic Development Institute if they wish to implement their enhancements ahead of time. 

By Jess Hay