Getting over someone you never dated

It can be super hard when you like someone and just can’t seem to shake it, writes Laura Mazzitelli.

Don’t worry, though. There are ways you can overcome these feelings. Whether it’s taking action or altering your mindset, you can pull through to the other side, and here’s how you can start.

One word: Closure.

Make sure you know how your crush feels before making any rash decisions. Sometimes it’s as simple as getting a straight out answer of how they feel about you. Be open and honest with them, but pick your moment carefully – If they’re already in a relationship with someone else, don’t get in the middle of their current happiness.

Distance yourself.

If closure doesn’t work, sometimes you need space and time to stop viewing this person as more than a friend. You can get to this stage if you aren’t in contact with them (and yes, this includes social media). If you’re worried they’ll notice, there are temporary ways you can limit what you see from someone without blocking and deleting them. You can mute their posts and stories on Instagram, unfollow them on Facebook, and click ‘Ignore messages’ on Facebook Messenger (sounds savage, but it may serve as a secret way to help you get over them).

When you aren’t thinking about them as much, then you could try letting them back into your circle. But be careful, sometimes people are hard to shake, so make sure you don’t revert back to feeling those pesky emotions. Also remember that if you directly decide cut someone off, they may not be so willing to accept you back into their life – so really think about this one first.

Be rational. If they wanted you, wouldn’t they be with you?

Sure, some people are just shy, but if that’s not what’s stopping them, well… if they really wanted you, wouldn’t you have some idea already? It should be reasonably clear if they feel the same way based on how they converse with you and behave around you. Take note.

Write a ‘Pros’ and ‘Cons’ list, or a letter only you can see.

It might sound silly, but these methods can work. Put it this way, when doing a big shop, how will you easily remember every item from the grocery store, if you don’t have a list to guide you? Reality is, getting all your thoughts out of your brain and onto paper can allow you to rationalise rather than internalise as you can clearly see how you feel, and come to a balanced conclusion.

This quick and easy process allows you to assess if this person has positive qualities that outshine their not-so redeeming ones. If you find it’s mostly good things, taking the ‘Hey crush, I like you’ road may be the necessary course of action before you actively try to get over them. However if it doesn’t, then, why is it you like them, again? 

As for the letter, this is something only you will see, but you will write it imagining they will receive it. Read over it once you’ve finished. The next step sounds a little weird, but rip it up. Sometimes, you just need to let something out to clear your mind, and move forward with your life.

Can you be friends?

If you truly value this person and their company, you’re probably still going to want them in your life. If so, weight out your pros and cons, but this time base it purely on a friendship-only scenario and include how you feel. Think about what qualities they offer you as a friend now. If their endearing qualities still exist on a friendship-only basis, and they’re supportive and caring of you, then trying to be friends may end up as a good outcome for both of you.

But if they’re distant or hostile, and aren’t there for you as your friend when you need them, why bother trying to maintain a relationship of any kind, if they don’t respect you? And why would you want more from them if they’re already treating you like that?

Remember, you’re only young.

People and their circumstances often change as we get older. In twenty years, you and your crush may not even be right for each other anyway. If you were right for each other now, chances are you’d be together, so assess what stopped you, accept it, and realise you’re worth more than a ‘maybe’, a back-up option or an unknown answer. 

There are other great people out there, you know. You can find those same qualities you like, but in someone else. Chances are you can find the redeeming qualities about the person you like in another, who won’t doubt the way they feel about you. If you accept this now, you can stop wasting your time fixating on the wrong person.

If you’ve admitted your feelings and you think this person has played with your emotions long enough, know there’s someone out there for you who won’t do this, and won’t doubt being with you. Trust that when the time comes, well…

…and they will just know, too.