The Tools You Date

Every love story starts off romantically. Hearts are aflutter as you hold hands for the first time and share a nerve-wracking kiss. You post that crucial first selfie with the caption #love. Fast-forward a few months and you’re sobbing over a tub of ice cream wondering how someone you like so much could possibly hurt you that badly. Not everyone you date is a gem. I mean, have you listened to any Taylor Swift or Sam Smith songs? In fact, almost everyone has at least one story of that nightmare ex. So, to save you the heart ache, disappointment and brain-freeze (ice cream tubs melt quickly) here is a list of the wankers to look out for, the tools you definitely do not want to date.

The Tongue Twister

This tool doesn’t mind what comes out of your mouth, as long as their tongue stays in it. Physical relationships can be a lot of fun but if they’re interrupting all your sentences to stick something down your throat then they’re just not worth it.

Comparison Ford

This person compares you to others as much as bad erotic fiction writers compare penises to silky steel rods. It doesn’t matter if they’re talking about their ex, their friend, your friend or themselves, comparisons hurt and there’s a reason we try to avoid them.

The Promise-Breaker

Vows can range from “I promise I won’t hurt you” to “I promise not to share that ugly Snapchat” but they all hurt when they’re broken. Nothing can prepare you for the moment when a person you trust lets you down and most of the time there are no warning signs.

The Hypocrite

Maybe don’t complain about the way your ex dumped or cheated on you if you’re just going to turn around and do the same thing. Revenge isn’t sweet when it’s unjustified and you’re the one on the receiving end.

The Space Cowboy

This person doesn’t move away, they just push you away. I know we say space is good but it’s hard to stay in love when you’re only interacting with a phone screen. Just because you live in the same city doesn’t mean you don’t have to plan to see each other.

The Commitment-Phobe

As kindergarten teachers always say to five year olds who are forced to hold hands in line: you don’t have to marry them. Even if you’re not committing for life you shouldn’t shy away from labels or a public profile as a couple. If you’ve been serious for months and they introduce you as a “friend” then they’re probably not quite as serious as you.

The Mood Ring

Their moods go from happy to snappy quicker than Game of Thrones favourites go from alive to dead. If they’re annoyed or stressed about something and you happen to be around they’ll take it out on you. Just like losing a GoT character, that’s something that is never fair.

Nick Jonas

Unless you’re Taylor Swift or Demi Lovato you probably haven’t dated a Jonas brother but chances are you’ve been with someone suffering from the deadly sin he sang about in Jealous. Anything can leave this person envious, whether you’re talking to your ex, a close friend, a distant relative, or your cat. A little bit of jealousy can be endearing but you shouldn’t have to deal with a constantly irrational green monster.   


By Brittany Smith